UGGHH, ARGHHH, and a whole lotta expletives!

I'm not sure what to think these days.    I am having a terrible month mentally.  I am feeling extremely down and frustrated, and I am just not sure what to do.  I think every other time I've been frustrated, I've been able to come up with a plan to get through it, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but just having a strategy has helped.  This time, I just don't know what to do.  Everything is either staying right where it is or getting worse.  Zero improvement since January.  Ok, I'll give ya the 8 or 9 lbs on the deadlift, but that is about it.  I don't know if I've repressed frustration for 11 months and it's all hitting me, or if when I actually looked up my last PR's got to me mentally, or if it's that I am stagnating while everyone around me is going gangbusters.  Either way, I just don't know what to do. I hate the fact that when one of my friends gets a PR, one of the emotions I feel is jealousy.....that ain't right, and it's not who I want to be.  In everything else I've done, I've always hit a point and ended up wallowing in mediocrity.  Maybe that's my fear....with no improvement, I will end up in the usual state of mediocrity, and I don't want to be there.  This is something I want to be successful at, be it the weight loss aspect or the performance.  If I can't have one, I want the other, and I don't feel like I'm getting enough of either right now.  
I'm only adding this, so that when I look back in a month, two, a year, etc. I know my mental state.  I know it's not helping anything,  I just need to find a way out of this rut, pull myself up by the bootstraps and move on.    That being said, here's the last couple of days:

Friday: Bench press 10-8-6-4-2  
10-115, 8-120, 6-125, 4-130, 2-140.   Tried 145 for 2, only got 1.  Tried 155 to match the PR, failure.  Did a set of negatives.  Not much to say here - unimpressive.

Monday: - 3 front squats - 115/145/165x2
                  3 shoulder presses  95/105/110
I thought I did ok these until I saw what I did last time, where I got 1 at 175 on the front squats and 2 at 110.  This was back in April.  That was a bit depressing.

Tuesday: "Heavy Helen"  
200 meter run
15 Kettlebell swings (24 kg)
9 weighted pullups (25 lbs)
3 rounds for time 
Huh.  Looking at this just now, I did it wrong and have been doing it wrong.  I swear it was 15/12/9 of the Kettlebell swings and pullups - which is how I did it.  I did the pullups in a red and mini band, dead hang.  Most got over the bar, mostly.  I finished it, doing it my way - in 15:30 - a full 6 minutes more than last time, but last time I was kipping the pullups.

Today:
Power cleans from the hang: 3-3-3    85/95/100
Power cleans from the floor: 3-3-3    100/110/115
Full oly cleans: 3-3-3     95/105/115
About the same as last time. I think the hang cleans may have been 5 lbs heavier.   Nothing fabulous.   Yes, I know form wise they look better....that's about all I can say. 

Squatting and lifting and getting up again...

On Tuesday we did a warm up with Mini-Cindy, so the night took off with 10 minutes of 5 pullups, 10 pushups and 15 squats.  I managed to run through this, and don't think I did too-too shabby.  Not a world record by any means, but I did get in a total of 6 full rounds plus the pullups and 7 pushups of the 7th round. PHEW! That's a warmup that'll bust your ass! We then moved onto practice of the Handstand push up and Pistols.  We did a couple rounds - for the HSPU's final round we were to go to a level that was challenging but do-able for 5.  I went a big Green and blue.    In retrospect, I probably should have gone with double blues.  It's strange though, I was green and green last time we HSPU's - of course, we had tireflips and front squats thrown in...so I guess that isn't really the same thing.

Wednesday we did Back Squats - 5/5/5/5/5.  I don't know that I really even want to write down the scores.  My squats are off... I'll just leave it at that.  Of course, I'm not leaving it at that.....
I have to record, even my sad days.  I did 145/165/175/175/165   I just couldn't get them looking good.  My knees were all akimbo, but I think I was doing better at not relaxing at the bottom.  Just not the best squat day overall.

Thursday -Turkish Get-up for weight.  My Turkish Get-up Mo-jo has got up and run!  I thought this was going to be my 75lb barbell night.  Alas, the evil demons that destroy balance were all at play.  I started with the 45 lb barbell.  Then 65.  Then I tried the 75....and my wrists wouldn't hold it steady.  It wasn't necessarily the TGU part that gave me a rough time - it was the bar balancing.  So, I went to the cannonball balancing overhead for the last one.  It was the 32kg kettlebell, and I did that no problem..  Although the boys tried to talk me into the 80lb KB...I must admit, I may have been able to do it, but just looking at that sucker got into my head - there was no way in hell.  I had brief, flashing images of a face devastated by a kettlebell bigger than my head.   So, I wussed.

Saturday was Deadlifts.  Sets of 5.  I did  185/215/235/255/285...Holy crap - I just did 285 for 5?? Okay -lets try for 310 for 3.  BAHAHAHAHA! That was a bit ambitious - actually, I think I just had nothing in me.  I didn't even get it up for one.  Ah well, I think next time it will be there, as long as I don't do 5 at a ridiculously heavy weight just prior.

Tonight was back squats 5/5/5, front squats 3/3/3.  Back squats I did 165, 185, 195.  Apparently, my knee buckling wasn't really apparent until the 195 - so that's an improvement over last time.  Front squats - I totally sandbagged the first round at 95lbs.  I then faced the fact that I was indeed not pulling my weight...so I went to 145.   ....and 155 I got in two, then failed the third....went back and got it, but it was ugly.  Front squat = Not so good.

I have adjusted my goals though.  Rather than a number - my goal before the next competition is:
Squat - 1.5 times bodyweight
Benchpress - bodyweight
Deadlift - 2 times bodyweight.


Currently my squat is about 1-1/8 bodyweight, bench- 3/4 bodyweight, and Deadlift 1.5 x bodyweight.  So, I'm kind of almost there, just need the weights to go up a bit and the other weight to go down.

whoops - never posted...

It dawned on me after Wednesday's workout that since the competition, I don't think I've been putting my all into things quite as much as I should be.  I don't think I've necessarily been sandbagging, I think I've simply let alot of things get in my head.  The back strain, and whole slew of other mental BS that is my issue that I need to get over.
However, I had not quite come to this conclusion when we did Wednesday's workout, and it suffered in large part due to the mental crap...and possibly it was also just a bad lift day.  The push part of this is Bench press - 3 rounds of 3 reps for weight.  I did 135 / 145x1 /140x2 - pure suckage when you consider my 1 rep max is 155.  LAME!!   Deadlift, I did 225/255/275.  275 is the weight that mentally says "Bite me!" ...but I got 3 in.  Again - with a 1 rep PR of 308 - these should be higher.  I think that's what struck me on my way home - I feel like I've stopped "going for it". 

Thurs - Stations # 2, which is Pullups, Wallball (16#), Slamball (16#), Sit ups and Box jumps.   3 rounds, 1 minute at each station.  Pullups I did in one blue band, with all the band set up, it was just going to be easiest, and I think it equates about the same as red+mini.  I did test though to be sure I could do a dead hang in it before the workout - rules is rules don't ya know!  I knew I scored pretty high last time, at 275, so I was gonna have to push it.
Round 1- 100  - what?  I have never scored 100 in a round before....ever.  This was something new...
Round 2 - 102 - again, 100??....AND I  went up in round 2?? I think this is another first!
Round 3 - 91 - ok - this time, I held true to my usual form.  But 91 ain't shabby!!
My total score was 293...7 measly reps away from 300.  DRATS! That would have been beautiful! But I think I did pretty darn good anyway!  Nice improvement, and I did go for it on this one.  Of course, I wouldn't have come close without the situps.....The situps took me there.

Today - a new one.  It's like a bright shiny new toy! Only this one wasn't so fun.  It was an ass-kicker through and through.   8 tire flips / 6 Handstand pushups / 4 front squats (125#), now here's the real kicker - 5 rounds for time, 20 minute cutoff. It was me and Jonathan.  I wanted to use the upside-down-rubber-band contraption (using green and green), we tried it - CRAP! I could not kick up into the handstand without assistance (I need to work on that, in a big way!!)  So I went first, using the girl tire (the big girl tire, not the little girl tire).  Ironically, the tireflips were the easiest part - they winded the hell out of me, and I will have bruises from the 40 flips..but in this whole thing - they were the easiest and least painful!  Let me just say this about handstand pushups after doing 8 tireflips - if it's possible to catch your breath upside down, I haven't figured out how to do it.  Short of breath, upside down, trying to breath and do a handstand pushup - just an ugly combination.    I ended up getting through them all - but they weren't pretty, I thought I was gonna collapse at several junctures, and my range of motion was rather pathetic - especially at the end.  From the handstand pushups - we go to the front squats.  125 should be heavy - but it's pretty far from my PR, so it shouldn't be too much of an issue. What I did not take into consideration was the toll the tire flips took on my legs and the HSPU's took on my arms.  To say the front squats were painful would not be an exaggeration.  Legs, really didn't want to squat, and arms, really did not want to go up.  The sad part, we were only doing 4 of them, but it felt like 14.  I swear I almost dropped the bar several time, in the last round, there's not doubt, it was sliding off the sweat.  In the end, I DID actually complete all 5 rounds under the time limit - barely under, but it was under. My final time was 19:56.  Despite it's misery, I have to admit, I really like the heavy metcons, I think they are doing their magic, if I just let them, and get out of my head.
Oh one other thing took me by surprise, so I just have to comment on it!  I was reading all my various usual stops...on one of them, the writer has been doing Crossfit for 2 years, and just did her first snatches with a barbell.  I found that very odd, but it makes me uber-glad that my gym doesn't fear the barbell, sheesh how boring to do all of these with KB's and dumbbells all the time!! I would hate that!

A Fine week!

Annie: 50/40/30/20/10   Double Unders, Situps.
I had more fun doing Annie than I think I ever have.   Me, Tricia, Melissa and Cheri with her Kettlebells were all in a race against each other, which, with Double unders can be a bit comical.  None of us are experts at the silly things, we can string together as may as 6 or 7, but in most cases it's 2 maybe 3.   We all finished within about 30 seconds of each other....Melissa was the big winner, finishing at 13:42.  I finished
13:49, which took a full minute off of my last time, so I was happy with that.  Strangely enough, I had a harder time with the situps than I think I have ever had.  Perhaps it has to do with residual lunge pain from my Saturday Lunges......hmmm???

Overhead Press/Front Squat 3/3/3 -My press is right where my bench is.  Stuck....perpetually stuck.  I did the first round at 105, second round I went a bit aggressive and tried 115 - Ummmm..nope, nothin!  Not a chance in hell. So much for wishful thinking!  Last round I went down to 110 and got 2.  Kind of sad.  Front Squats on the other hand, I did first round at 135, second at 155, and last round I went a bit more aggressive, at 175.  I only got 1 in. Not stellar, but the 175 was a PR.  My previous was 2 at 165, so at least that's something.

Heavy Helen: 200m run, 15 KB swings 24 kg, 9 pullups weighted.  I've never been a Helen fan, so this was a good change.  I would much rather go heavy with the weights and reduce the running.  It's just a running thing - hate it with a red hot passion.  The Kettlebells were heavy - much heavier than the 16 kg that I'm used to, but still not bad - I didn't break them up at all.  They weren't quite as high or pretty, but it's really the first time I've used the "boy weight" Kettlebell, for more than a swing or two.    Pullups were not weighted. They can't be weighted until I can actually do one.  So, I was in a red band and a mini, and kipping.  I ended up finishing in 10:27, I believe it was.  I think I'm a Heavy Helen fan - but she would be better without the running, just gotta say.    Afterwards we did Handstand practice - not handstand pushups, just doing the handstand.  It was uber fun. I have to admit, the most intimidating part is actually getting into the handstand position from standing.  A gymnast, I am not.  However, today, unlike last week, I was able to squelch any reservations and just do it.   My positioning was off, and I never came close to the wall, so I was kind of free-standing - with a bit of help to stay balanced.  Cheri R kicked butt!!!  She did not want to do this.....was in near panic mode, close to tears, shaking, giggling hysterically, to the point, I was afraid she was about to hightail it the hell outta there.   She didn't - and she actually overcame her fear and did it.  Of course once she did that, she was enamored, and wants to keep working them.  Way to go Cheri !! That was AWESOME!!

I FINALLY have my appointment for the Endoscopy, to find out once and for all, whether I have Celiac or not.  It's not until Sept. 8, but it's on the books.  The annoying part, is that I have keep eating gluten food until then, so breads, pasta, etc. are all good.  Well, tell me something is good, anything, and for me it's a free-for all.  I'm just ready to go back to eating the way I've determined I need to.....no bread/pasta etc...UGH! I guess it's only 10 days away.

Deadlifting a Turkish Whore!

Deadlift - Functional Focus:

This was interesting.  We did reverse deadlift, which I have never done before.  We didn't go super heavy just focused on form.  After a couple sets of these, we went onto regular deadlifts, but using the opposite stance that we normally do, which for me, would be Sumo stance.  Can't say that I like it much.  Which is ironic because Sumo is how I originally learned to deadlift.  I changed my stance once I hit about 225 or so, and have never looked back.   Well, this was a revisit to Sumo-land,  and just not so good.  Given the choice, I'll go regular stance, thank you!

Turkish Get-up 1-1-1/Front Squat 1-1-1:

I don't think we've done TGU's for weight in a while, so I was a bit curious about how I would do.  That, plus my shoulders have been a bit twingy and off since Lucifer's Lunges and the 45 dips that Friday.  Nothing major, just not 100%.  I started at 50 with the barbell. That was fine, my left shoulder seemed a bit weaker than usual, but not bad.  Went to 60, again, definitely harder with the left hand than with the right.  Last set, I went to 70, hoping to match my previous PR.  It was definitely more difficult - but got the left one. Did the right. Once I got to the top, the barbell was trying to twist and turn on me, as I was descending, so I ended up having to try to muscle it into position with my wrist and forearm - not an easy task!!  I ended up doing the whole thing - but my arm kind of collapsed as I going into the final lay back position.  It may not have ended pretty, but I'm still counting it.  As I was writing up my score, I realized that I hadn't hit 70 before - that had only been successful on one arm - so in reality - I had just hit a new PR! YAY ME!

Front Squats after TGU's. Not so good.  We were a bit rushed for time - since the TGU's took most of the hour.  I started light, I admit it.  125.  Not a problem.  Then, silly me, watched Z, who I had been matching on the weight thing all night, easily squat 165.  He's not a big guy, my thighs are twice the size of his, so 165 should, in theory be no problem.  Not to mention the fact that I have done it before.  Well - I think the 40 lb jump may have been a bit too much after the heavy TGUs.  I plopped down like a lump.  Last round, I went way back down - going with the thought that the important thing is to get it.  So - light at 135.  No problem. Not the most impressive night for Front Squats, but the TGU's were cool!

Kelly - 400m run/30 box jump 16"/30 WB 16# - 5 rounds - 30 minute cutoff.

Kelly is an evil whore.  All I'm gonna say.  This one is pure torture.

No excuses - no nothing.  I did the exact same as last time - didn't finish before the cutoff. I got in 3 rounds plus the run and Box Jumps.  30:50 - about a minute quicker.

Physical effects of this one: let's see  lower right back pain, by the box jumps of round 2 or so(the usual place I get it when running, still can't figure out why), round 3 major foot cramps in the arches of my feet (if you've had this pain before, you know it's terrible.) I haven't had it much with CF, but it struck today!  Lack of oxygen - to the point the hair follicles on my head were all tingly and goose bumpy.  I think that's about it.   I have a sad, sad stamina.  I've never had much tolerance for lack of oxygen, but I should have a better lung capacity by now....at least I think I should!  UGH! Frustrating!  The rest of it, just comes with the territory.  So - yes, better than last time, but not really anything to brag about,

Puzzlement..

Tonight was a  bit of a new one, but not all that new. Strict Press/Front Squats 3/3/3.

The Press, I did 85/105/110x2.   Front Squat - 125/145/165x1

Not sure what's going on, but I'm all wonked out.  Presses are stuck, and I should have been able to get the Front squats without too much of a problem, but I couldn't.I seem to be moving almost in a backwards pattern, and I'm not certain why.

Me, being a bit analytical about myself, must try to figure this out, so I've been mulling this over in my mind.    Could it be the fact that the last 6 weeks have been a bit inconsistent for me training wise? Possibly....Hawaii, Omaha had to have thrown a bit of a wrench into it. There is the huge stress, and suppressed emotional experience of layoffs and paycuts that wreaks havoc on you mentally.  The whole thyroid thing?  Perhaps, at least in theory, but I really feel fine, so, I'm not really convinced about that one.  

I know I backed off a bit on the whole competitive thing a couple months ago - that whole scenario was getting to me mentally in a bad way - causing me to like it less, so I recognized it, and backed off, decided to only compete with myself.  Did I back off too much?  Let too much of the "tiger" go?

I dunno - perhaps a combination of it all...or an off day??  I'm just not sure....but I know I wasn't feeling like I was at my best tonight.  I've been off, I just can't pinpoint exactly why, but I don't think I like the backward momentum that I seems to be setting in.

I guess we'll give it a week or two and see if this is just a wonky week.  I'm a bit puzzled about the whole thing.

Now - the good news - we went to dinner tonight at Olive Garden - can you guess how many breadsticks  I had???

If you guessed a big fat zippo, you are correct!! Not a one.    YAY ME!

Cindy with some squats and KB's

Thursday was a heavy lift day.  Front squats 3-3-3-3-3 for weight.

My squats have felt a bit off lately, so I just didn't know what to expect.  I actually ended up getting a PR.  Set 1, 115 - no problem.  Set 2, 135 - ok heavier, no doubt about that.  Set 3, 155 - now we are in the heavy zone - this is my max.  I got all 3, and it wasn't too-too awfully bad.  Set 4 - 165 - got the first one, got the second one...third- ended up with a sit down and drop.  So 2 @165.  Set 5 was back down to 155.  The very strange thing is that these did not feel as awkward as they normally do.  Overall, I'm happy with the 165 PR on these.  It seems like since I started going "low" on the squats, AKA breaking parallel, I've stagnated a bit on the weight.  So, getting a PR in any way shape or form is a good thing.

Friday - Cindy.  I like Cindy - as difficult and taxing as she can be.
Complete AMRAP in 20 minutes of:
- 5 pullups
- 10 pushups
- 15 squats

Because I was really concentrating on doing "kiss the floor" pushups, my rounds went down.  I got in 10 round, + pullups and 7 pushups.  Pullups were in red bands, high bar with 35# weight underneath.  I was slower this time, last time I got in 12 + rounds.  I was really working on doing "kiss the floor" pushups...which really did slow me down a tad.  I thought my pushups were pretty good- but nope, they needed to go lower, so I was really concentrating on that.  Imagine my consternation, when I was told "they're looking a lot better, but you're still not breaking parallel"  WHAT?  What's this breaking parallel thing?  Apparently your elbows need to be higher than your shoulders for a true full range of motion pushup.  Cripes! I'm screwed.  I tried one, had to basically have my entire torso hit the floor - once that happens, you just lay there, there's no pushing up - as in push up style.  Yes, you can push off the floor - but not until you've relaxed a bit.  OY!  I guess I still have to work on these, darn it all, these are one of the things that I thought I only really had to work on getting the numbers up - but alas no.  So - this was KTFPUNQGE (Kiss the Floor Pushups - Not Quite Good Enough!)

Today: 1-hand kettlebell swings:
10-ladder (up and down) for time and weight.

(this ends up being 100 swings per arm)   I used the 16 kg again, and only managed to knock off a measly second from my previous time.  I finished 8:28.  On something like this, I think my "undoing" is that I will stop when I feel my form deteriorating.  I got through the 9 up on the ladder before having to rest, but didn't think I could do the next 10 per arm without form going to complete hell.  So I stopped to rest for a moment.  Of course once you stop once, the momentum is gone and there are a couple more rests on the horizon.  Either way - I'm ok with the 8:28.  I'm not certain how fast it's really possible to do this one. Yes, I could probably knock off 2 minutes - but any more than that, I'm not certain - you can only swing that sucker so fast.  So, I think I still wrestle a bit with the whole, "when you know your form is failing, do you rest or keep going" thing.  On the plus side - at least now I know when my form is going to hell, and don't have to be told that it is.

Now - onto a pullup update:  Unfortunately, there is none.  I can feel the kipping pullup in me so close I can taste it, and that sweet taste of success is truly one that I need and want!  However, I just can't quite get it. UGH!  At least I'm closer........I hope I get one before Hawaii - all I'm gonna say!  Next Cindy I do, I want it "as prescribed"  - even if I only get in two rounds!!

Filthy Front Squats at 50???

As most people know, front squats are not my favorite.  Its the whole resting the bar on your shoulders thing.  It's a very funky position to be in, and because the weight is in front and uptop, it kind of makes you feel like you suddenly grew a pair of 135 lb boobs.  Yesterday we Front Squats 5/5/5/5/5 - for weight.  I started low and worked up - 95/115/135/145/150.

The 150 - was once again - not so pretty.  I'm doing something funky on my squats when I break parallel - I rarely had knee pain/issues at all until I started going lower, now- it's there - not crippling, and as I'm doing anything squat related it doesn't hurt, but the next day or so, I feel it, and hear it.  So, I know my knees go wonky at a certain weight - with the front squats, it seems to be 145-150ish.  My plan is to kind of keep track of that and try to stop being so knock kneed! 

The other thing I need to learn:  how and when to dump a bar.  It's very strange - I hit a point on the 150 front squat that I needed to dump.  Well, rather than letting it fall all willy-nilly, I ended  up carefully sitting back till it stopped moving - then once I determined that I had no other option, I let it drop.   I think I need to work on my comfort level of just letting the bar fly when necessary - I think I'm hitting a point that I'm starting to scare the hell out of anyone watching me - and that's not good!!

Onto today's Filthy 50 fun.  I wasn't really sure how I was going to do going into this.  I think my body is fighting something right now, and with everyone sick at work around me, this is a very good possibility.  I, however, refuse to get sick - it shall be beaten.  End result - not sure if I was really feeling 100% ready to go.  But I actually did far better than expected - go figure!

I started on the Knees to Elbows - and damn if I didn't get in 10-15 or so that I can honestly say that I don't think I put much jump in them.  Holy crap!!  That kind of shocked the hell out of me!  But YAY!  The rest of them, rather jumpy.  Finished these far faster than last time.  Next was double unders.  I was an idiot with these tonight - I don't think I ever connected more than 2 - OY!  Not that I'm a double under queen, in fact, earlier this week I did the best I had ever done and connected on 5. So really - not a pro at these by any means!  Then onto burpees. These still took  me forever - like a good 10-15 minutes, but considering that when I did them last time, they take at least 20 minutes, I'll take it.    After burpees, onto walking lunges.  I don't recommend these two in a row.  LEG BURN!!  So these weren't quite as quick as they should have been.  Next jumping pullups in the red bands, low bar then onto kettlebell swings.  Wallball came next, as usual I did them in sets of 10.  They seemed harder than I remembered them being last time..??  After that onto back extensions then push press.  Push press at 35# - normally - not a problem, but I must say, I was downright wimpy with them tonight.  They taxed the crap out of me - could be that it was really my final thing.  But really - 35#???  It shouldn't have been that hard!  Time was called at the end of push press - so my official score/time was 40:48, no box jumps.

There's a strange phenomenon that has taken over my mind and body since starting crossfit - I may not be quick, it may not count, but I need to try to complete.  So, after time was called I quietly went over to the box to do my box jumps.  I say quietly because I didn't say anything, however, me jumping on the box made some very large WHOMP/WHOMP/WHOMP sounds.  I was jumping on the 16" box rather than the 20" so that I could finish before Doug and Allie finished their warmup.  I got through these- not fast, but not super duper slow.  My unofficial time for completion was 46:54.  Overall performance - could have done better, could have done worse - pretty middle of the road.  Endurance  - that's my issue!   

Now, I'll just sit back and wait for that "oh so special" soreness to set in - you know the one - only the Filthy 50 can hand it out!